I’ve been wrestling with something.
When I was a little girl, the grown-ups in my life didn’t always do the best job of taking care of my needs. At times, there wasn’t even food in the house.
So I learned to take care of myself.
I started earning money at thirteen. I prided myself on not depending on anyone. I moved out on my own at eighteen and put myself through college.
It felt wonderful to be strong, independent and on my own. Except…
I was carrying it all on my shoulders. Every burden, every responsibility, all felt as pressure. And from that fierce independence, I often couldn’t see the help, love and opportunities already around me.
These days, I’m confronted with a deeper truth.
(I say “confronted” because it goes against the story of myself I’ve been telling for decades.)
It’s not up to you. Let life take care of it.
When everything within me is screaming to take control and get into action, this sounds ludicrous. “Of course, it’s up to me! Of course, I need to fix things!”
But that’s the old story of separation, little me, all alone, bending the universe to her will.
The deeper truth is that I am that universe.
The power that runs the galaxies runs through me, too. What I’ve been looking for “out there” has always been here. It is me.
It blows my mind to realize how hard I’ve fought to find the life that was already mine.
So here I am, on the precipice of what might be the most radical change in my life. Hesitating. Because it just feels too big.
And yet I’ve seen this before. It’s what inspired my own surrender experiment. Since I began letting go, life has been easier and sweeter than ever.
It’s giving up the need for things to be different that brings effortless change.
It’s letting go of the illusion of control that reveals the agency to create my own life.
It’s giving up the fight that finally brings peace.
Now I wonder, what if this moment is no different?
What if I could stop pushing and simply let life have me?
(It does anyway.)
Yours in love and play,
Steph
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