When I was just nine years-old, I ruined Christmas. Again.
The first time was years earlier when my little brother and I drew the shades, lit candles, and played haunted house with the babysitter. When our mom found out, she gave us an unusual punishment: no Christmas tree that year.
We prayed for Santa to leave presents under a sad wreath on the wall instead.
This time, I was older. Wiser. Craftier.
I went to bed early on Christmas Eve, planning to wake up before anyone else and pounce on the presents beneath the tiny tree on our TV stand.
Sometime around 3am, my eyes flew open. Christmas!
I shook my brother awake and dragged him downstairs as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.
Our presents were scattered under the tree, unwrapped. Clue, the VCR murder mystery game. 🔎🕵️♀️
I adored the board game version of Clue, especially after discovering how to use the process of elimination to win almost every time. The video game must be even better.
“Come on,” I whispered to my brother. “Let’s play!”
I tore off the plastic, opened the box, and pushed the tape into the VCR.
“I don’t think we should do this,” my brother said.
I ignored him. Within minutes, I’d skimmed the instructions and we were watching Colonel Mustard polish his gun while Mrs. Peacock gazed wistfully at her knife, and we tried to solve the murders.
Suddenly, the living room lights came on.
“What are you doing?” my mother shouted. “You were supposed to wait for me.”
I looked up from the TV and swallowed hard.
“Put it away and get back to bed. I hope you enjoyed it. You won’t be playing that game again for a long, long time.”
I’d ruined Christmas. Again.
***
It’s no wonder I’ve been holiday-avoidant as an adult.
My childhood memories are full of moments like that. Screwups with awful consequences, awkward post-holiday gift openings with my father and step-mother, and entire years where Christmas wasn’t allowed at all because it was too “secular” for our Christian upbringing.
Recently, in a holiday networking group, I felt like a downer because all my childhood holiday stories end in tears.
“What Christmas do you want to experience now?” someone asked.
I blinked.
My first thought was that I didn’t know. I only knew that I didn’t want anything like those Christmases.
And then I remembered how much I love celebrating the Winter Solstice.
We’d invite a few close friends over for dinner, and afterwards, light a candle in honor of the returning of the light. Everyone had a chance to reflect on what they were letting go, and what they were inviting in for the New Year.
I used to wrap tiny fortune messages around river stones, letting people choose one as a prediction for the coming year.
It’s amazing how quickly a single thought can feel so real it obscures everything else.
The truth is that I have had many beautiful holiday memories since childhood, and even those painful memories can be re-membered differently, when seen from where I am now.
And here I am, today. In a brand new moment.
What would I like to create now?
What would you like to create today?
We’re always standing before the blank canvas of this moment. Right here.
This is one of my favorite questions to explore with people, and one of my favorite experiences to guide.
And so, my last invitation of the year…
You’re invited to a DragonHeart Portal conversation with me.
It’s only $25. We’ll gently turn your attention toward what you want, what’s calling you, and what’s already unfolding beneath the surface. You’ll start to see the colors that are already waiting to be painted into your life.
And get the clarity of what’s yours to do now.
Book your DragonHeart Portal session here.
Yours in love and play,
Steph 🐲❤️🔥
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