This isn’t easy for me to admit, but here we go…
I don’t believe in priorities.
I mean, I get that people say they have them. I understand them as a concept.
But I don’t see any need for them personally.
I probably sound like a flakey woo-woo dragon hippie, but I do think I have a point worth making here.
What are people usually doing when they talk about “priorities”?
It sounds like this…
“He needs to get his priorities straight.”
“I just need to make it a priority.”
“That’s not a priority right now.”
Priority is a ranking of importance. This is deemed more important than that. If something is a priority, it stays. If not, it doesn’t deserve time, energy or attention.
On the surface, that sounds reasonable.
But here’s where it gets problematic for me.
Note: the following situation is purely hypothetical.
Let’s say my sweetie really wants a cuddle.
But I’m in the middle of writing this daily email I’m super excited about. The words are cascading from my fingertips like a waterfall of magical stardust.
So I say, “Not right now, I’m working.” (Granted, it doesn’t feel like work. It’s more like…giggle-inducing play.)
And hypothetical sweetie says, “You prioritize work over me.”
Call me crazy, but this just does not compute.
If hypothetical me actually prioritized writing an email over the hypothetical love of my life –
(Okay, this hypothetical thing is getting taxing. I’m going to drop it, but just know, this continues to be purely hypothetical.)
Anyway.
Because if writing this email were actually more important than the love of my life, then an email would outrank a human being.
And that’s obviously not true.
If my sweetie were hurt, crying, or needed me in any real way, I would drop this email in a hot millisecond.
So clearly, writing is not my “priority.”
And yet, there I am typing away.
So either my priorities are really and truly fucked up…
…Or maybe I don’t have priorities because priorities don’t exist.
And before you get clever and say, “Aha! There can be only ONE priority. Singular.”
(I’ve heard that one, too.)
That’s not what I’m saying, either.
Priorities, priority. Tomatoes, tomato.
A singular priority doesn’t exist, either. It changes with context.
Let’s take the same (hypothetical, remember) scene.
This time, I’m in the middle of writing this super-enjoyable email and suddenly – I really have to use the toilet. Urgently.
Sweetie says, “Hey…”
And I knock him over on the way to the bathroom.
What the hell is wrong with me? Clearly I prioritize a toilet over my lover. I am a horrible, horrible person.
Lest you think I’m being pedantic about semantics, let me elucidate.
What if priorities simply aren’t how life actually works?
A priority is a thought. A story of importance. Like any other thought, it comes and goes. And it’s changeable.
We treat “priority” like a truth, but really it’s a judgement.
People use it constantly to judge themselves and each other.
We beat ourselves up about what we’re not doing that we clearly should be doing, and they think if only I “make it a priority” – usually by scrawling it on a magical list of goals – it would solve the problem.
Except people don’t decide what to do based on priorities.
They do what they want to do.
They do what they know to do.
They do what occurs to them in the moment.
The idea of “priorities” happens afterwards, either to justify the choice or beat themselves up for it.
When we say we need to “make something a priority,” it’s usually because we don’t actually want to do it. So we try to force ourselves.
Which renders the whole concept of “priorities” meaningless.
So how do you knwo what to do if you don’t have priorities?
Elementary, my dear reader. You do it all day long.
You respond to what feels alive.
You respond to what’s needed now.
You respond to what matters in this moment.
No ranking required.
There.
My shameful priority-shirking secret is out.
I’m genuinely curious…
What’s your relationship with priorities?
Do they help you? Stress you out?
Leave a comment and tell me what you see.
Yours in love and play,
Steph 🐲❤️🔥
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