Last night was a six-mosquito night.
From midnight (which is apparently when Portuguese mosquitos come out to play feed) and 6am I hunted and killed six mosquitoes.
With a bonus seventh kill after waking upon spying one preening on the bathroom mirror.
I am become Steph DragonHeart, Mosquito Slayer.
Now before you picture me snapping mosquitoes out of the air with chopsticks or slapping them into a bloodied wall art, you should know that my methods are much more sophisticated.
Learn from a master Mosquito Slayer, weedhopper.
First, gather the materials:
One electronic bug zapper racket. It fries mosquitoes to a crisp.
A flashlight. A phone with a flashlight feature will do.
The patience of a slightly deranged predator.
Second, follow the method:
Step 1 – Wait for Miss Keto to reveal herself. Usually the telltale high-pitched buzz will give her away.
Note: if you’re sleeping in a mosquito war zone, wrap yourself in a bed sheet burrito, with nothing but your nose showing. This forces her to fly close to your head, well within hearing range, to get a fresh bite.
Step 2 – Darken the room. With the flashlight in one hand and your racket in the other, slowly scan the walls with your light until you find her.
Note: A mosquito in a feeding frenzy is most likely to linger and digest near their prey. You’ll most likely find them rest-and-digesting over the head of your bed or somewhere nearby.
Step 3 – Press the button to electrify your racket and slowly lower it over the mosquito until…ZZZT. Watch the mosquito fly into the racket and fry.
Step 4 – Fist pump in celebration of your kill. Go back to sleep until the next attack begins.
I know far too much about the intimate feeding and grooming habits of mosquitoes.
How does one come to be dive-bombed by six hungry mosquitoes in one’s own bedroom? I’m glad you asked.
This leads to my biggest complaint about living in Portugal.
Europeans don’t believe in window screens.
Olly, my European-born partner, explains that screens interfere with flower boxes and mar the view.
I think Europeans secretly enjoy feeding the little flubbers.
They don’t much like air conditioning, either. So when summer comes, you open the windows and pray to the insect gods for respite.
Now, I’d be insane to leave the windows wide open at night with hungry mosquitoes on the prowl. We have carefully fixed screen fabric over the windows to block their admittance.
The mosquitoes, however, have interpreted this as more of a suggestion than a boundary. They bump against the mesh until they locate the tiniest gap and squeeze through.
Hello, Europe. This situation could all be easily prevented by putting screens on your damn windows!!!
(Sorry for yelling.)
What fascinates me about this whole sordid tale isn’t so much the mosquitoes.
It’s watching how creative humans become when they care about solving a problem.
The screen fabric on the windows wasn’t our first attempt to deal with the situation. Or our second. Or the fifth.
I’ve tried mosquito-attract wall mount lights. Utterly useless.
I’ve left one hand above the sheets as a blood sacrifice in the hopes they’d spare my face.
I’ve lain awake wrapped in sheets with racket in hand, waiting in ambush.
Eventually, I developed the flashlight stalking technique described earlier.
My next order of business, especially after last night, is to purchase two magnetic screen doors for either side of our bedroom. This will effectively keep the mosquitoes out while allowing the air in, making our bedroom a mosquito-free sanctuary.
I’ve watched this saga unfold over the past years. New ideas occur to me. New strategies to try. Always following what I know to achieve my goal.
But by far the most surprising development:
One year ago, I was brought to tears of frustration after waking up bitten and buzzed by multiple mosquitoes all night long.
I’m not even exaggerating. I wept, feeling exhausted and personally victimized by the mosquito population of southern Europe.
Last night, I just did what I knew to do.
No fuss. No hysterics. Just kill the mosquito, return to sleep. Six times.
Even when I wake up to a stinging sensation that turns into an angry, itchy welt, the aggravation will pass in about 15 minutes. It always passes.
When did I get so zen about mosquitoes?
When I’m tempted to think that all the time I spend exploring the Three Principles isn’t having an effect on me anymore because I’m not having profound insights or burning bush moments…
…I notice a situation like this. A situation that used to drive me crazy just doesn’t get under my skin anymore. (Well, other than literally.)
Bit by bit, I’m more relaxed. Not all the time, but overall less reactive. I enjoy my life more. I don’t take my thinking so seriously.
I’ve reached a sort of peace with the mosquito situation, even though you can be damn sure I’m buying those magnetic screen doors today.
You can accept what is and still do your part to change it.
It just means you stop arguing with reality while you do.
Yours in love and play,
Steph 🐲❤️
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